Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
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[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.