I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
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When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.