Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
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OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Why is no one talking about this?!
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
This hospital has everything
Facebook Twitter
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
good morning