haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
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Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Not now. I’m deglazing.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.