With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
You Might Also Like
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
A wise man once said nothing.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down