My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
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Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Happy thanksgiving!
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on