Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
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The “baby” on the left….
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
What’s a Messi?
A short story about romance.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.