Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
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I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Room with a view.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.