Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
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Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Attacked by a mop.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
idk what this dog had been going through but same
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..