SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
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I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
just got my engagement photos
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
can’t believe I got front row seats
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.