I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
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My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Jesus Christ lmao
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
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I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.