I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
You Might Also Like
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee