I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
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A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances