If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
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Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”