I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
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I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas