cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
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Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Not all heroes wear capes…
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”