Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
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Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.