Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
You Might Also Like
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
My work here is done
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
This probably isn’t good
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a