Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
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Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.