honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
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Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted