“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
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ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
*jazz hands*
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*