“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
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Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.