I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
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North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Broom by every window for quick escape.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.