you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
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friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
what it’s like dating me:
“i miss shittin on people”
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently