When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
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We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
my mom making me talk to relatives
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I’ll be mad as hell!
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now