Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
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They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A