I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
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doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.