WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
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My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.