me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
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meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
#Caturday
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.