“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
WHY?!
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?