“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
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ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
“The Perfect Relationship”
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.