My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
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I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Become ungovernable.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.