Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
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dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
we did it you guys we saved daylight
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it