Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
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I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?