Is this a threat?
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When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.