i dont have time for this
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Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.