Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
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[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I鈥檓 moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
So glad that Halloween isn鈥檛 on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I鈥檒l never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Being married to me:
Pros: you鈥檙e married
Cons: to me
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it鈥檚 new 馃槀馃ズ
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
her: I鈥檓 leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you鈥檙e obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won鈥檛 get away with this
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That鈥檚 a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Maybe Oscar wouldn鈥檛 be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called