[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
You Might Also Like
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
mood
road rage
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
If I ignore life will it go away?
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Taking phone security to the next level.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know