I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
You Might Also Like
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
This is me
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
is this meant to deter me
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol