I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
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My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
secret recipe
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back