I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
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Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)