mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
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{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Dear Lord..
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*