[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
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I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
#polloftheday
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨