I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
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me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then