I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
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Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!