When news reporters do sports stories
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landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
This why you should mind your business
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
can’t bark with your mouth full
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Whoa 😂
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????