Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
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I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.