From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
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My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.