your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
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Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Last-minute gift idea!
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.