Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.